It’s Good to be the King

I have three older sisters, the youngest of which was 13 years old when I was born, and, for all intents and purposes, I grew up as an only child. Needless to say, as the only boy and the baby of the family I pretty much had run of the joint. Some might say I was spoiled. In my own defense…nah, what am I thinking? I was spoiled rotten. Even as an adult, I’m not very good at sharing my toys. Anyway, since I like to have things my way, I was thinking what I would do if I were president. Then, I realized that even though the office of president of the United States is a powerful position, I’d really rather just be the king. It’s good to be the king, after all. These are some of the things that I’d do if I became the king of the world.

  • Everyone would have maps. Google “Miss Teen South Carolina” if you need more info on this one.
  • The TV show Glee would have to dispense with all the hokey, political/social-statement story lines and just dance and sing. My wife was a member of the Auburn University Show Choir and the singing and dancing sort of remind me of when we were dating. That’s a good thing. The story lines remind me of the time Tullis Lanier punched me in the stomach at Michael Morgan’s house; I get a headache, feel kind of sick, have a hard time breathing, and want to go hide in a closet and cry. Stick with crisp choreography to Safety Dance and we can be friends again.
  • North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-il, would have to get a haircut. Immediately. There’s no reason a grown man should be running around firing off nuclear missiles and shooting -38 with 11 holes-in-one in a single round of golf with what appears to be the same hairstyle every girl I went to high school with in the 80’s had. Minus the tight-as-a-gnat’s-chuff perm around the edges, of course. Even if he is a big fan of 80’s new wave band, A Flock of Seagulls, that’s still no excuse.
  • Nancy Pelosi would never be able to be on TV, radio, YouTube or anywhere else where I would have to see or hear her speak. I’ve a feeling I would enforce this rule even if she weren’t a left-winger. Case in point, click here. She makes me want to stick an ice-pick in my ears.
  • Smoking sections in restaurants worldwide would no longer exist. A smoker may know that they are in the smoking section but their smoke doesn’t. I spent 10 years of my life being a smoker but quit 12 years ago. If I wanted to smell like the drapes in my 17 pack-a-day-habit Aunt Myrtle’s house then I’d move in with her. I’d like to enjoy my Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast without having to don a post-apocalyptic gas mask.
  • Barry Manilow would be vice-king and his main responsibility would be to make sure that all radio stations spent no less than 8 hours daily playing nothing but Barry Manilow tunes. The employees of any station found to be in violation of this rule would be punished by being forced to memorize and perform Justin Bieber’s song Favorite Girl as the opening act for the band Gwar on their Bloody Pit of Horror tour.
  • The aforementioned Kim Jong-il would be forced to adopt Justin Bieber’s hairstyle.
  • Justin Bieber would be forced to adopt a hairstyle that doesn’t make me both laugh hysterically and feel great sorrow for him at the same time. Where is that boy’s daddy? Someone needs to tell him to spend  an afternoon at Supercuts on his next day off.
  • The ACLU would be outlawed as a terrorist organization. Hey, they can’t all be funny.
  • Julian Assange of Wikileaks fame, or infamy I should say, would be banished from anywhere people are. I’m a little tired of seeing his pasty, skinny, face smirking every time I turn on the telly as if he is some sort of pseudo-celebrity/hero. He’s a no account computer geek who probably spent too much time in his parents’ basement playing World of Warcraft or D&D. Get some semblance of a life or go away. Oh, and can someone buy this cat a month’s membership at Electric Sun? He’s gonna’ end up with rickets.
  • Being a celebrity would require that you have some sort of discernible talent. Are you listening Paris, Nicole, and all of the Kardashian chicks? Saying stupid things on TV is not a talent. Contrary to the beliefs of most men, neither is having a big butt. Perhaps Mr. Assange could benefit from meeting you.
  • I’d have my very own pimento cheese factory!
  • And, of course, MONKEYS RIDING DOGS!!! (Nod to Rick and Bubba)
There are plenty more edicts that I’d hand down with an iron fist but I want to become the king before I share them with the general public. I don’t need a revolt of the commoners before I even get to wear my crown. Whatever happens, though, I promise to never wear my hair like ol’ Kim Jong. Or Justin Bieber.
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