It’s Finger Licking Good?

I mentioned a week or so ago that I was making a list of things that annoyed me. As it turns out, there are a whole heckuva lot of things that bug me and I was forced to pare the list down to only a few. It’s funny how the older I get, the longer this list gets. Anyway, I thought I’d share two or three that are close to the top of the list that seem to be quite common.

Upon occasion I find myself in a convenience store buying a few items which require a bag to carry them in. Lately, I have noticed a rather disturbing trend that has caused me to simply do the best I can with just my hands, even if I have to make two trips. This trend consists of the clerk licking his or her fingers to pull the bag off of the bag holder and then licking them again to separate the top of the bag so that they can then put my foodstuffs in it. So, not only does the bag have a stranger’s saliva on it but, potentially, so do my pork skins and Milky Way! I want to say this as gently and tactfully as I possibly can…STOP DOING THAT BECAUSE IT GROSSES ME OUT!!! Some might not think this as big a deal as I do, but I have been known to throw away anything that may have come into contact with said spittle rather than risk ingesting strange slobber. I’m not a crime scene investigator, I don’t play one on TV, and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. Heck, I don’t even watch CSI on TV! If the need arises for me to acquire a sample of your DNA, trust me, I’ll just ask you for it.

Another one is guys who dip snuff or chew tobacco. Not that the act of using tobacco in this way, in and of itself, bothers me. It really doesn’t. I have many, many friends who dip and/or chew. What disgusts me is the unfortunate fact that this use of tobacco requires that they carry with them, apparently everywhere, a container of their own spit. This is not a little just a small amount of spit. It’s a whole Mountain Dew bottle of spit! Sloshing around inside like some sort of bottle of vile Yoo Hoo. Sometimes they just walk right up to me at my work and put it down on the counter in front of me. This allows me to not only get a good, close look at all the tiny bits of tobacco that get caught up in the expectorating fun and stick to the inside of the bottle, but I can even catch a nice whiff of this offensive concoction. Mmm…is it lunch time yet? I’m starving!

The last thing I’ll mention here has nothing to do with bodily fluids, thankfully. I hesitate to even bring it up because I know those of you who read this blog and know me will certainly be sure to do this the next time you and I have a conversation. I believe Jerry Seinfeld referred to certain people as “close talkers.” I love to talk. I love to get in a group of people and have a conversation about most anything. As long as I get to talk some, too. What I can’t stand is when someone feels the need for the tip of their nose to be within 6 inches of my face. This unlawful invasion of my territorial air is often compounded by severe halitosis. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, my space was invaded by a friend who typically is not a close talker but has a tendency to drift in that direction occasionally. He was relating a funny story and I suppose he wanted to make sure it was between just the two of us. About three seconds into the story I was fighting for survival and couldn’t retell it today if I had to. The combination of his proximity to my face and the smell of his breath almost made me pass out. This wouldn’t have been an issue had he not been so close. He finished his story and all I could think was how I needed a can of coffee beans to sniff to overpower the noxious fumes I had inhaled. I even asked if someone close by had a lighter so that I might suck the flame up my nose to just kill off the smell-buds in my nose. It was horrible. I settled for taking a huge whiff of the hand sanitizer I carry in my pocket. Once I regained consciousness, the smell was gone.

As I said, the list of these things here in Thad-world is long. I guess I’m just a little weird that way. Maybe more than a little. Anyway, I figured I better find a stopping point lest I miss my son Gabe’s graduation in 2019. Oh, and in the words of the great Bill “Bubba” Bussey as Dippin’ Dan: “Hey, honey, could you please pass me a cup and a paper towel? I’m about to drown over here.”

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8 thoughts on “It’s Finger Licking Good?

  1. You could always just invest in a 1$ reusable grocery bag. They are good for the environment, good for business and I've never had one tear on me.Also I had a pot-luck roommate sophomore year who dipped and left bottles of (as you so awesomely put 'vile yoohoo') laying around the dorm and I wanted to choke the hick out of him.

  2. Bobby…that ain't a bad idea. We have one for the grocery store. Maybe I should just buy all my stuff there.I'm afraid I would have actually made an attempt to choke him. Or dump his spit bottles in his bed.

  3. There's nothing more attractive than a man picking up a used cup/bottle from a public place ( INCLUDING A PUBLIC TRASHCAN )to spit into!! Think of all those nice little germs, Thadeous.

  4. You always did have the whole anti-germ thing didnt ya? I hate this time of year because of all of the people that wipe their nose and orficies and then grab door handles or worse yet your hand. For that reason, I rarely shake hands and ususally when I do, I am found washing them someplace shortly after all while making a concious decision NOT to touch my face.

  5. O.K. Thad, you have hit the nail on the head! We must have been checking out at the same place recently, because the clerk licked her fingers and opened the bag. I know this is unnecessary because I often use the self check outs and have to open my own bags. I am also a germ-a-phobe. I clean everything I think may have come in contact with said bodily fluids. Buggy handles, door handles, fruit, cans, phones, restaurant tables, chairs at doctor's offices, ect. I think you get my gist. I also like my personal space. Please don't come in too close. I think I back up unconsciously when this happens. I hope I'm not up against a wall because I may push back just to get some space. Great Job again expressing a topic we usually don't approach.

  6. Thanks, Smith! You made me laugh out loud with this one. I'm afraid if I ever get backed into a corner I might start swinging. And your contention that the finger licking is unnecessary is spot on! Your example is exactly right. I have never once had to lick my fingers to get the bag opened at any of the self checkout lines I've been in. Not once!

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